


Just To Feel

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Hate Sex, M/M, Minor Character Death, Rough Sex, Spoilers for A Choice With No Regrets, Wall Sex, blink and you miss it fluff, lots of angst man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-09
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2018-01-08 02:24:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1127253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi suffers his first loss as a member of the Survey Corps and takes his frustration out on Erwin.<br/>AKA, some pretty angsty hate-sex.</p><p>  <i>"This is what you wanted," He bites, face still mere inches away from Erwin’s, noses nearly close enough to touch, "Isn't it?"</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Just To Feel

**Author's Note:**

> _"And if love is like a cancer_   
>  _And your sex is like a pill_   
>  _Well we're making love to kill ourselves_   
>  _And we're fucking just to heal"_
> 
> \- [Virgin Dirt](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g--fy83mM90) \- letlive.

Levi has seen death. He's seen poverty, and crime and fear. He'd seen many of those things long before he even reached the age of thirteen.  _Long_ before Erwin Smith ever came into his life and forced him to join the Survey Corps. He's used to death. He's used to fear. He grew up around it, in it. He allowed it to mold him, to shape him. To spur him onward.

Still, nothing - not even growing up in the sewers, watching people struggle and die every single day - nothing could prepare him for the terror and the heartbreak of watching his two best friends (his only friends) die right in front of him. Nothing could prepare him for the horror of hearing their screams, unable to do anything about it. Nothing could prepare him for the gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that he let them down, even after he promised them that he'd never do so.

He'd let them down, Isabel and Farlan. He'd never see either of them again. Never be able to apologize for his own shortcomings. Never be able to go back and change things.

And still, nothing could prepare him for the rage he'd feel toward Erwin Smith for allowing that to happen.

He'd been in mid-air when it happened. And it happened quick. Three deviant types had taken them by surprise, and while a good fourth of the entire regiment took on the task of taking them down, Erwin insisted that they push onward. And though Levi had questioned his judgment, he decided to trust him. Because even though he didn't at first, over the past few months, he'd been forced to do so, or die.

It's a funny thing, trust.

Because despite his initial feelings toward Erwin, they'd come home from a few scouting missions safely so far, so why would he let him down now? He wouldn't.

_Right?_

Levi had heard Isabel's screams first.

He had turned - her name ripping from his lungs - prepared to go after her, to save her, but Erwin had stopped him, physically scooping him up like a child as they soared through the trees. Carrying him away from his friends.

"They'll take care of it," He had insisted, even as Levi could hear her screaming - dying - behind them. He punched at Erwin’s arms, struggling to free himself to no avail.

"My men know what they're doing, Levi."

He'd been wrong.

Along with Isabel and Farlan, seven other members of the Survey Corps lost their lives that day.

* * *

 

"You could have gone after them!" Levi screams later that night, once he's finally alone with Erwin, in the cramped quarters of his Commander's office. His fingers tremble at his side, fists clenching and un-clenching. He'd felt numb the entire ride home, up until now. Now, his blood feels like it's boiling, skin crawling. His head is screaming - 

_You're never going to see them again. You're alone now. You've got nobody. You let them down._

\- and there's nothing he can do. Nothing but take it out on the only other person responsible. The person that he thought he  _trusted_.

"And it wasn't just them," Levi hisses, "You lost men, too. You could have gone back to help them, but you didn't. How is it that  _you_  get to decide who lives and who dies?"

"Levi-" Erwin tries to shush him, reaching out, but Levi jerks away, fuming.

"No," He spits, "If it weren't for you, they'd still be alive!"

Erwin's eyes narrow at that, and he seems to choose his words carefully before he leans down, close to Levi's face. "If it weren't for  _your_  stupidity, they wouldn't have been here in the first place," He mutters, watching as Levi's eyes widen at the realization of what his words mean. "So if it weren't for  _you_ , Levi, yes, they would still be alive."

Levi is seething. His fists clench again at his side, blunt fingernails digging into his palms. He knows that Erwin is referring to the day that they met - the day that Levi had agreed to join the Scout Regiment. And he knows that in that aspect, Erwin is right. If he hadn't been so reckless, so cocky, that day, they would have never met. He'd still be living down under the capital, safe. A nobody, a thug, but safe, nonetheless.

They'd still be alive.

Still, that truth doesn't stop the rage from bubbling up in Levi's throat. He wonders if anyone else can hear him screaming at Erwin, or if they just choose to ignore it. He wonders if he's the first to get angry with the commander like this. The first to feel betrayed and utterly let down by him. Or if everyone else just blindly follows him...

"I should have fucking killed you when I had the chance," He hisses out through gritted teeth.

"But you couldn't," Erwin says matter-of-factly, as if he knows that Levi had wanted to kill him before. The way he speaks is taunting, as if he's trying to push Levi into doing something reckless.

"And you can't now," He adds, "You need me just as much as I need you."

" _Bullshit_ ," Levi spits in return. He's shaking now, visibly shaking, and he can't stop. His jaw clenches. Fingernails bite deeper into the flesh of his palms, hard enough to leave marks and draw blood.

And the worst part is, deep down, some small part of him knows that Erwin is probably right.

"Then go," Erwin challenges, cutting any of Levi's thoughts short, "Go ahead. Walk out the door. Go back to your old life.  _I'm not stopping you_."

And that's what does it.

Without a second thought - without even considering the consequences of his actions - Levi lunges forward, delivering a swift and sharp blow to Erwin's jaw. The taller man stumbles backward, holding his face, but when Levi looks up at him through his hair, he doesn't look surprised.

That only makes things worse.

Levi moves quickly at that, years of fighting men much bigger than himself back home finally getting put to good use as he delivers punch after punch - one to Erwin's stomach, another to his face - only allowing a few of them to be blocked when he gets sloppy here and there.

But still, even as Levi attacks, blinded by rage and grief and frustration, Erwin doesn't fight back. He just blocks a few punches, wiping the blood away from his mouth when he gets the chance. Even when Levi swears that he feels a rib crack underneath his fist, Erwin doesn't fight back. He just lets it happen.

" _Fuck you_!" Levi screams, pounding on his chest as his body begins to wear out. The toll of being out all day finally begins to wear on him.

_Fight back!_

Levi fucking hates him. He hates that he's just taking it, hit after hit. He hates that he got him - got  _them_  - into this mess. He hates that he left him no other choice. He hates that he got his friends -  _his only friends -_ killed.

But most of all, he hates that he's right.

Even if he were to walk out the door right now - if he were to turn and leave this behind - he'd have nothing. He doesn't have anything left. Not here, and not back at home, either. His friends are gone. His home his gone. Hell, everyone back home has probably long since forgotten about him. Why wouldn't they? He's just another low-life thug. He's nothing. Nobody.

He can't walk out that door. Erwin knows it and he knows it.

Eventually, Levi's punches start to soften, his body and mind exhausted, and before he knows it, he's clutching onto Erwin's shirt, struggling to suck in sharp gasps of air. Struggling to maintain composure.

He can feel the wetness of tears streaking his cheeks, and that makes him hate himself even more.

He wants to die. He wants to collapse on the floor of his Commander's office and rot away. He doesn't want to get back up, doesn't want to fight anymore.

But at the same time, he does. He wants to kill every last good for nothing titan. He wants to avenge his friends. Wants to prove that their deaths weren't in vain. He wants to prove to Erwin that he made the right choice. That he's not just some piece of shit, good for nothing thug.

He doesn't even realize when his thoughts take that turn, as he grasps onto Erwin for support, gasping out sobs against his chest.

He's angry at himself for putting them in danger, especially when deep down, he knew that they weren't cut out for something so serious. Angry that he couldn't do anything about it. But even more, he’s angry that he's holding onto Erwin the way that he is, allowing himself to be comforted by the one man that, moths ago, he swore he'd kill when he got the chance. He feels one of Erwin's hands on his shoulder, the other in his hair, and he's angry because he doesn't even try to pull away.

He realizes, as Erwin strokes his hair, soothing him, that he's all he has now. He can't afford to kill him. Not now. Erwin was right, he couldn't if he tried.

He wonders if Erwin planned it this way.

It all happens rather quickly at that thought. As if it hits a switch in Levi.

Suddenly, his grip on Erwin's shirt tightens. Erwin's body stiffens underneath him, and he presses his hands against Levi's chest, as if to push him away if need be - if he's going to attack again - but Levi is quick, fisting his hand in his shirt tightly, before pulling Erwin down and pressing their lips roughly together.

The kiss is sloppy, hard and demanding, unplanned with no finesse - Levi honestly can't remember the last time he kissed someone - but it's a kiss, nonetheless. Even if it is fueled with fear and hate and frustration. And when Erwin doesn't return it - he doesn't push Levi away, either, just lets it happen - Levi eventually pulls away on his own, seething.

"This is what you wanted," He bites, face still mere inches away from Erwin’s, noses nearly close enough to touch, " _Isn't it_?"

"Levi-"

"I'm not wrong,  _am I_?" Levi presses, fists clenching again. Erwin’s shirt is still balled up in his right hand, keeping them eye-level. "You wanted me all to yourself," He hisses, "You couldn't give a shit about my friends. You didn't even  _try_ to save them. Hell, you  _stopped_  me from doing just that."

And when Erwin doesn't confirm or deny his suspicions, instead just stands there, silent and stoic, Levi loses it, shoving at his chest.

"Well, it worked!" He yells. He can feel tears pricking at his eyes again, but manages to swallow them. He's not going to cry. Not anymore. He can't give Erwin that satisfaction. He takes a few steps forward, closing the gap that he had created between them, leaning up on his toes so that their faces are close again.

" _I'm all yours_ , Commander," Levi hisses, low and venomous, "Are you happy now?"

"Levi-" Erwin attempts to interrupt again - trying to stop him from pushing any further - but Levi is long past the point of caring what comes out of his mouth. Long past the point of caring what happens next.

"Go ahead," He spits, narrowing his eyes. It's a challenge. "Take me.  _I fucking dare you._ "

And though Erwin's mouth hangs open for a moment, as if he's about to argue, to tell Levi that he's crossed the line, he doesn't. Instead, he moves quickly, similar to the way Levi has seen him move outside of the wall, fast and efficient, always three steps ahead of everyone else. He fists his hands violently in Levi's hair, and walks him backward a few quick steps to slam him up against nearest wall. And then without hesitation, Erwin's kissing Levi viciously, all teeth and tongue.

It all happens within a few seconds, and while that makes Levi's head spin for a moment, he responds almost immediately, hands tightly gripping onto Erwin's shirt again, opening his mouth to growl into the kiss.

Erwin uses the leverage of his height and his hands fisted in Levi's hair to tilt his head up, taking command of the kiss. And while Levi wants to fight back - wants to prove to him that he's  _not_  in control - he doesn't. Whether it's because he can't or because he doesn't  _want to_ , he's uncertain, but either way, it doesn't stop the way that one of his hands snakes around Erwin's waist, blunt fingernails digging into skin through his shirt.

Levi leans into the kiss, quick and vicious, and takes Erwin's bottom lip into his mouth, biting sharply until he tastes the iron of blood. Before he has a chance to revel in the small victory, though, Erwin is pulling roughly at his hair, hard enough to slam his head up against the wall. He doesn't say anything, but when Levi opens his eyes - their lips part for just enough time for him to do so - the look on Erwin's face says it all.

_Don't you fucking dare._

So of course, Levi has to.

"So I was right," He spits, voice taunting, "You  _did_  want this." Levi manages a smirk despite the loud thrumming in his chest. If Erwin wanted, he could easily snap his neck right now. While Levi knows that he's an adept fighter, he'd have no chance. Not with the way he's backed up against the wall. Not with the way that Erwin still has his hands fisted in his hair.

And as if he could read his mind, Erwin tugs roughly at his dark locks again. The action tilts Levi's head up enough to expose his neck - he gasps at the movement - and at that, Erwin leans in, lips just barely brushing the skin under his jaw.

"Don't flatter yourself," Erwin murmurs, voice low. His breath is hot on Levi's skin, but before Levi even has a chance to react to it - or his words - he's leaning in, accenting it with a sharp bite to his neck. It's not hard enough to draw blood, but still painful enough for Levi to release his grip on Erwin's shirt, in favor of scrambling at his arms.

" _Fuck you_ ," Levi hisses, even as Erwin begins kissing down his neck, one hand releasing his hair in favor of reaching down to undo the leather strap across his chest. Even as he arches up into the touch, actually bearing his neck slightly, allowing Erwin better access.

This wasn't how he meant for this to end, but he doesn't plan on stopping it. Not now.

Deep down, Levi aches for the touch. For the comfort. He can't remember the last time he'd been kissed like this, touched like this...

He feels the straps intended for his 3D Maneuver Gear fall to the floor around his feet.

Within seconds, Erwin is pressing him up against the wall again, taking both of his wrists in one hand and pinning them above his head. He leans in, biting at Levi's neck again.

"Say stop, and I will," He murmurs, voice just on the verge of a whisper, teeth scraping against Levi's neck when he speaks. And though Levi's blood is still boiling - though he's still aching to make Erwin feel the way that he does - he can't help the way he freezes at that.

He could end this right now. He could tell Erwin to stop, gather his things and be on his way. He'd never have to look at another titan again. Never have to watch another comrade die on the battlefield. He'd never have to see Erwin's stupid face, never have to be reminded of how he let his friends down ever again... But still-

" _Keep going_ ," He growls, low and throaty.

And just like that Erwin's lips are on his own again.

This time, the kiss is a little softer, a little more passionate. It's still rough and demanding and very  _Erwin_ , but it's as if he  _knows_. As if he knows what Levi needs.

Hell, maybe he does.

Levi's fists clench from where they're restrained above his head, aching to cling and scratch and mark up Erwin's body, but they won't budge. He's trapped, pinned against the wall, and it's all he can do to arch up against Erwin and kiss back, all teeth and tongue.

And Erwin works quickly at that. His free hand quickly and easily unbuttoning Levi's shirt until it falls open around his shoulders. Levi half-expects Erwin to release his hands at that - to at least allow him the freedom to rid himself of his shirt - but he doesn't. Instead, Erwin continues downward, not even so much as pausing before his hand begins to undo Levi's belt, then his pants. Within moments, his free hand his pushing them and his underwear down to his thighs, exposing him to the cool air of the office.

" _Fuck_ ," Levi mutters under his breath. He turns his head to the side, feeling a flush creep up his neck and into his cheeks, but Erwin is quick to reach up, catching his chin with his fingers, forcing him to turn his head back. Forcing eye contact. He doesn't say anything - what  _would_  he say, anyway? - but instead, just holds the gaze with Levi for a few brief seconds, as if searching for permission. And while Levi is uncertain if his eyes give it away or not, Erwin seems to decide that they do, because he's leaning in again after a few seconds, pressing another hungry kiss to his lips.

Then another. And another. While they kiss, Levi clumsily kicks his boots off, allowing his pants to fall down the rest of the way before kicking them away as well.

When Erwin finally releases his wrists, Levi can't decide if he's relieved or not. He hadn't even really realized that he had been standing on his toes - due to being stretched out by Erwin's height - but the second that he's released, he slumps forward, head pressing into Erwin's chest. He takes a moment - just a couple of seconds - to massage out his numb wrists - but then he's acting quick, reaching forward with nimble fingers to undo Erwin's belt.

He's stopped short before his hands even touch the leather. And when he opens his mouth to argue -  _what the fuck, Erwin?_  - he's silenced with another kiss. Instead, he feels Erwin undoing his own belt. Erwin, pulling his own pants down to his knees.

And before he even has a chance to question what's going on -  _how exactly is this going to happen?_  - Erwin is reaching down, under his ass and lifting him up with ease, pinning his entire body up against the wall.

Levi feels a shudder run through his entire body.

"I don't have any-" Erwin begins to say, that tough demeanor slipping for just a second as he glances at Levi with worried eyes, but he's cut off before he can finish his sentence.

"I don't care," Levi hisses, "Use your spit, I don't give a fuck."

Erwin eyes him carefully for a few seconds - though it feels like eternity - before releasing Levi with one hand and lifting it up to his mouth. Erwin’s eyes narrow at that, corners of his mouth pulling up into a faint smirk before muttering, " _Suck_."

And while part of Levi realizes how demeaning it is, he doesn't even hesitate before he's practically lunging forward, taking Erwin's fingers into his mouth and sucking. He holds the eye contact - his own eyes low and heavy and lust-blown - as he swirls his tongue around the tips of Erwin’s fingers, even bobbing his head suggestively a few times before Erwin eventually decides that enough is enough and pulls his fingers away abruptly, hand returning to Levi's ass.

And normally, Levi would remark on how disgustingly  _unsanitary_  it is, but he can't. He doesn't, not even when he feels Erwin's spit-slicked fingers circling gently around his hole before pressing in experimentally. No instead, he lets his head fall foreword onto Erwin's shoulder, arms wrapping lazily around his neck.

Part of him half expects Erwin -  _Erwin_ , all tough demeanor but kind eyes - to ask him if he's okay, to go easy on him, but thankfully, he doesn't. Instead of murmuring out an " _are you okay?_ " Erwin just presses two fingers deeper, curling them up and repeating the action. Even when Levi leans in, biting at the skin on his shoulder, arms tightening their grip around him, he keeps moving, fingers sliding in and out of him. And strangely, Levi is okay with it.

He doesn't want to be babied and pampered. He doesn't want  _Erwin Smith_  to ask him if he's okay, because he most definitely is not. And he doesn't want to think about that anymore.

No, mostly, he just wants to be fucked, hard and fast against the wall of his Commanding Officer's room.

And thankfully, Erwin seems to know - or he seems to feel the same way - because he only spares Levi with a couple of pumps with three thick fingers before pulling them out completely.

And Levi can't help the little whine he lets out at the loss of pressure. Thankfully, it doesn't last long though, before Erwin replaces the empty space with his cock, pumping it a couple of times with his spit-slicked hand before pressing in just slightly. And while the size difference is notable, Levi attempts to hold his composure together, silencing another broken moan by biting down of Erwin's shoulder again, though he can't help the way his fingers scramble against his shirt, gripping onto the fabric for some kind of purchase.

When Erwin thrusts up, it's sharp and fast and unexpected and Levi's head falls backward, hitting the wall with a hard  _thud_. "Fuck," He mutters, trying to regain his composure. He had been expecting Erwin to at least give him a  _moment_  to adjust, but apparently not. The taller man just grips onto him harder, fingers digging into the flesh of his ass almost hard enough to bruise, moving his hips again.

" _Fuck_ ," Levi breaths out again. His fingers twist around Erwin's shirt, grip tightening impossibly, " _Fuck you._ "

And when Erwin leans in, pressing a wet kiss to Levi's neck as he angles another particularly sharp thrust up, Levi can feel the smile curling his lips.

"You think this is funny?" Levi hisses, even as Erwin picks up the pace, pressing him even harder into the wall. Even as he lets his head fall forward again, resting against Erwin’s shoulder.

"A little," Erwin breaths out in response, accenting it with another hard thrust, " _Yeah_."

Levi opens his mouth to speak, to say something sarcastic or witty in response, but just as he does, Erwin decides to angle his hips a little bit more and he can't help the moan that leaves his mouth. His fingers clutch onto his shirt - almost hard enough to rip the fabric, if he were to pull hard enough - and he bites down on Erwin's shoulder again, attempting to silence himself. The last thing he needs is their entire squad hearing their Commander fuck him into the wall.

"Fuck off," Levi mutters again, once he regains his composure. He digs his blunt nails into Erwin's back as some form of retaliation, muttering into his chest as he does so. "I - _shit, right there -_ I fucking hate you."

Erwin chuckles against him, low and breathy. And even though he has control of the situation, it makes Levi smirk when he realizes that even he can't keep it together either. "No," He murmurs, leaning down to press their foreheads together, " _You don't_."

And before Levi has the chance to argue, Erwin is leaning in, capturing his parted lips in a hard, messy kiss. And though he wants to scratch and bite and curse and fight back, he returns the kiss, moaning into Erwin's mouth. It's messy and - by Levi's standards - disgusting, and he knows that later, he'll probably be kicking himself for allowing his Commanding Officer - the big dumb blonde oaf - to fuck him against the wall of his office like this, and to kiss him like he is, but right now, he couldn't care less.

Levi can't help the way that he kisses back, leaning in to bite at Erwin's bottom lip. And he can't help the way that he arches his back, angling his hips better as Erwin continues to thrust into him. He also can't help the way that he meets him halfway, swiveling his hips down - as much as he can manage, from his position - throwing his head back again and moaning, loudly and unabashed.

It doesn't take long before Levi feels a familiar pooling in his stomach, and carefully, he lets go of Erwin with one hand, reaching in between their bodies to pump himself in time with his thrusts.

" _Fuck Erwin_ ," He mutters, head falling forward once more. He opens his mouth to say something - to breathe out a warning or a request - but then he's gasping, coming after a few fast pumps, and clutching onto Erwin's shirt with his free hand.

Erwin leans in at that, pressing a wet kiss to his open mouth, hips doubling in speed. After Levi, it doesn't take too much longer before Erwin is gasping out a soft " _Levi-_ " and then he's following close behind, pressing his own head against Levi's shoulder and the wall.

They're like that for a long couple of moments, gripping on to one another, coming down, before Erwin eventually pulls out, lowering Levi to his feet. Levi's knees buckle almost immediately after his feet touch the ground, and when he puts his arm out for balance, Erwin is there to catch him, keeping him upright.

"Hey," He murmurs, voice suddenly laced with concern, "You alright?"

And while Levi wants so snap back with something sarcastic, he can't. Not now, not while his brain is still trying to catch up, and most definitely not while his legs feel as weak as they do. "Yeah," He replies, taking a second to catch his breath, "I'm good."

Erwin doesn't even attempt to hide the small smile that graces his lips. "Good."

"I feel fucking disgusting, though," Levi remarks, once he can think straight. He can feel Erwin's spit cooling on his neck and shoulders and lips, and he doesn't even want to attempt walking. "Do you have anything-"

"Yeah," Erwin breaths, as if it's just finally hitting him, "Yeah, hold on."

He darts across the room to retrieve a clean cloth from his desk, holding it out to Levi. And when Levi glances up at him, he can't help but laugh. "You're still naked," He remarks. It probably should have come out as something a little wittier, more thought out, but it'll do.

Erwin chuckles in response, watching as Levi dabs at his skin with the towel. "So are you."

"I have an excuse," Levi mutters, avoiding his eyes, "You sort of just fucked the life out of me, and I don't even want to attempt putting my gear back on yet."

"So it was good?" Erwin asks, voice soft, full of genuine curiosity.

Levi can't help but look up at that, eyes narrowed. "Yeah. It was good."

"Still want to kill me?" Erwin asks, and while Levi can tell that it's mean to be lighthearted, he can't help the way he snaps back at him.

"If you keep looking at me like that I will," He bites. And at that, he reaches down to pull his pants up. He can feel Erwin's eyes on him, even as he finishes buttoning his pants and begins to pull his gear back on, but he doesn't say anything. After everything - their argument and the sex - he isn't even really sure what he  _should_ say. So instead, he waits for Erwin to speak first, which he knows he will.

And as if on cue, Erwin clears his throat, just as Levi finishes pulling the leather straps up his legs.

"I'm sorry," He says, voice low, quiet, as if the words are foreign on his tongue. Levi distantly finds himself wondering how many times Erwin has spoken them over the years. He wonders how many times he's actually admitted when he's wrong.

"About your friends," He clarifies, when Levi doesn't say anything. When he doesn't even look up at him. "If there was something I could have done, I would have. I want you to know that."

Finally, Levi looks up. And while the first thing he notices is the fact that he's wearing pants again, the second thing he notices is the sincerity in his eyes. He nods, straightening his posture. "I know."

He doesn't say that he was mostly angry with himself, but he figures he doesn't have to. Erwin knows. He can tell by that look.

"Do you trust me, Levi?" He asks after a long beat of silence.

Surprisingly, Levi doesn't even have to think before he's replying with a soft, " _Yes._ "

And at that, Erwin takes a step forward, tilting Levi's chin up with a finger and pressing a quick kiss on his lips.

" _Thank you._ "

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops this was supposed to be PWP and instead got really angsty and stuff.  
> But anyway, I hope you enjoyed :]  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
